Let's Play Pretend

As a kid, playing pretend was probably my favourite thing. I could be anything and I could go anywhere I wanted. Nothing could beat the things and places I could build in my head. The great thing was that it did not just exist in my head, but I could make them all come alive in front of me. One second I could be fighting off the monsters from the highest tower, to sailing across a dangerous pit of burning lava.  I could be a hero, or one could save me.

Reality seemed so boring next to the worlds that I could craft in my head. Sure, the nature of the earth is stunning! But when you give them your own meaning, their own beauty, it just becomes so much… more.

I really believed nothing could replace that feeling and nothing did.

Until I met him.

Sure that sounds really cheesy and lame, but give me a second to explain.

I grew up in a broken family, though my father tried to mend it the best he could with the tape he could find. I did not believe in love.

Yeah, I dropped it -- The ‘L’ bomb.  DUN DUN …. DUUUUUUN

Believe me when I say, I thought love was a lie. A sick, disgusting joke that never lasted and would always leave me feeling empty. I saw relationships blow up right in front of my eyes. Divorces, bad breakups, and people hearts shattered on the floor with no one to piece it back together.

To me, love did not exist.

I think a lot of you guys have found yourselves here, but I want to tell you I was wrong. I was wrong and let me testify that YOU can be loved too, IF you let someone in.

There was this one boy man who came into my life and showed me that love could exist. Better yet, someone could love me and that love was better than anything I could imagine in my own head.

I told myself I would never let myself get attached enough to let someone in. My walls were high – real high. Sure, he held my hand and kissed my forehead. Of course, he said things that made my heart melt and made me feel like I was the prettiest girl he had ever seen. It was not until he saw me at my worst that I realized this was real. It was not until then did I let all my walls down.

The great thing is that he did not try to break them down either. He was patient and let me remove each brick on my own. When it got too hard, he would help me take down one more brick at a time.

I am not going to divulge the events in my relationship with this man, but I want to express the love that I felt and … still do.

CONFESSION TIME!!

I always wanted to feel the pain those girls did in chick flicks. I always wanted to know what it felt like to love someone so much that it would hurt like that because maybe then it would be real.

I later thought they exaggerated those emotions, until I felt them.

That pain that no one can take away, where you cry with one hand covering your mouth and the other clenched on your stomach. You try not to be loud so no one hears, but the pain surges through your body and nothing will stop it. You know what I am talking about, right?

Yeah, that pain. That, my dear friends, is real. So why on earth could a pain that severe not have an opposite? Does left not have a right? AMEN (Yeah yeah that was mad lame too. I got it).

Okay, I think I am going on a massive tangent that could be avoided, but here.

 I felt the most love from this man when we lay on the floor, not touching, just breathing and staring at the ceiling. I felt that love when he stared at me through tears in our eyes as we parted way for our long distance stretch. I felt that love when we were no longer together. When he looked at me and really saw me.

I always felt that love when no words were spoken, when no actions were performed. It felt like the world had stopped in those moments – everything froze and it was just us.

Yes, in those moments I felt infinite with him.

Sure, life can get hard and we may feel we are never going to be good enough, but why must that exempt us from love? It doesn’t and that is the answer. You are worthy of it and now let someone in! Sometimes, it does not last, but you learn. Is that not what we are here for? To learn?

And yes, ABSOLUTELY, it hurts sometimes BUT I am so grateful for the lesson he taught me. He taught me “to love and be loved in return.”

Never could I have imagined a feeling so unique, so … real.

Although reality is not as great what I can build in my mind, but it is real.

That’s the thing about reality. You can’t control it, but it gives life real beauty.

Real beauty.

La vie est belle.

Shay